Some things have transpired the last 24 to 36 hours that have rocked my world, and not in a good way.
I stumbled across something that a former polyamorous partner has written. Basically she wrote an account of the five years that we dated, as well as some even after the fact. The events that happened after the fact are not really the bits that have caused my world to be rocked.
It is what happened in the month before the relationship ended.
I don’t remember a discussion about not being exclusive any more, maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t . I don’t really remember, but looking back I do remember there being another couple in the background, as well as Missus Sub’s partner. I remember at the time that I was upset that again I was the person without anyone of my own outside the group of four.
What I read has brought those feelings up again and has caused me to question whether I really want to be polyamorous any more. The fact that I can’t seem to find anyone to have a polyamorous relationship in person is really frustrating. The fact that I have been reminded that I didn’t find anyone, and that I was cast aside like old mutton makes me question whether I am done with polyamory.
I seem to only be able to find people that are long distance, be it on the other side of the world, or just a couple of hours drive from where I live. I seem to attract damaged people, or ladies who are in a relationship with someone and want some level of discretion.
I do not know if I have the emotional ready to deal with these type of people anymore. I feel like it might be time to hang up the idea of finding a polyamorous partner going forward. It seems my luck is to find people trying to escape their lives as they are, and live out some fantasy rather than an ethical relationship.
So I feel that I am done for now, and I need to put this chapter of my life behind me.