Life is a constant internal battle between wanting to improve and wanting to maintain the status quo. It frustrates me that the desire to stay as I am always wins, and also brags when I try to improve myself and make changes for the better which do not stay with me.
Many times I have written about these battles, on every blog I have ever started, both professional and private. I always end up in the same place, a desire to change myself and better myself, but I end up exactly where I am, without having moved my life forward. If anything life actually goes backwards.
So why am I telling you this? Previously I would say for support, but after a recent discussion with someone, I would now say because I am hoping to find someone who will commiserate with me. I doubt someone will agree with me because they know my thoughts are stupid. But it doesn’t stop me hoping.
It is clear that I need to change my thoughts to improve myself and actually make a difference to my life. However, right now why do I want to change when I just want someone to agree with me? I just don’t know.
I’m broken, mentally and physically, I have thoughts of changing my life but also a mind that wants to maintain the status quo. I do not like this constant battle within, but I do not know how to stop it.
I am willing to die if it means this internal battle will end, and it will stop haunting me forever.