Musings of a Switch

Unfiltered thoughts from a bisexual switch

mental health

Top 100 sex blogs

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Last weekend, Molly published her annual Top 100 Sex Blogs for 2022. I did not make the list, I don’t even believe that my blog was nominated for the main list, or even the newcomers list.

Am I disappointed? In a way yes I am, but logically I know that because I wasn’t nominated that I can’t be on the list. Hell, I didn’t even nominate myself (whether it was allowed or not).

I shared some thoughts on the matter over on my Mastodon account. However it has been suggested that I expand on those initial thoughts some more here on the blog. While I have never been on the Top 100 list with any of my blogs, I am slightly concerned that writing about it like this will get me struck off the list permanently if I am nominated in the future.

Time and energy

One reason I don’t think I have been on the list before is having the time and energy to dedicate to learning to write high quality articles and stories consistently.

With two children, Missus Sub and I both working full time, dedicating the time and energy to writing can be a challenge.

Blog longevity

You might think having written 3 or 4 blogs over the space of 15 years, I would have a good understanding of writing for people. However in my day job, I’m writing for a technical audience, and that does not translate well to a casual reader.

So when you have a blog for 18-24 months, and you are only getting 10 to 15 views per day on average, the idea of having a successful blog slowly wanes out of existence. Sure I can comment on other blogs with links to my blog/s, get my thoughts out on social media with links to my blog/s, but again, a lack of time and energy hinders that.

Other reasons

I believe there are other reasons that see me not being added to the Top 100 list. I am not going to share those thoughts because they might be seen as libellous. I do not have the energy to defend my position on social media or blogs.

However I feel that sharing my beliefs will see me further ostracised from the sex blogging community. Links to my blog, or any comments I make will never be published on a sex blog other than my own. So I’m not intending to go down that path.

Where to from here

Even without libel, I feel like this blog post will end my chances for this blog ever making it onto a Molly’s Top 100 Sex Blogs.

Since the list has been published for 2022, hopefully I can move on for the next 10-12 months until the rumblings of the 2023 list come about. Maybe I’ll consider nominating for next years list (although more likely not) because I can’t see myself being added to the “echo chamber”.

Bottom of the food chain

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1 – What is something minor or seemingly insignificant in your life that actually contributes greatly to your happiness?

I feel like some recognition and thanks goes a long way. Yes there are some things that you need to do, but even just a little thanks, even from senior managers goes a long way to feeling appreciated. Yes doing your job doesn’t need thanks to be given, but it goes a long way to the motivation of employees. Happy employees equals more productive employees.

2 – Describe your life in 5 words.

Bottom of the food chain

3 – Have you ever been screwed over? What happened and how did you respond?

There are some days I feel like this happens every day in my life. Yes I might just be a whinger, and it probably happens far less than I think it does.

4 – What did you think was cool when you were young but is not cool now?

So many things. There were many things as a child that I remembered being cool and exciting and wanting to return to as an adult when I had more freedom, but when I go to them now as an adult, they don’t spark the same joy and excitement from all those years ago.

5 – Would you rather stay in or go out on a Friday night?

Generally I’m a home body. I’m an introvert and a quiet night at home, with the TV, movie and popcorn sounds delightful. Snuggling with a lovely partner takes it to the next level.

Bonus: Which word would you use if you could only use one for the rest of your life?

Boring

Shit show

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Life is kicking my ass at the moment. I feel like everything in the world is going against me at the moment. My mind, my relationships, my children, my career, and life as a whole.

I feel like I have reached that point in life where I do not care if I were to die today or not. I feel apathetic to life. I don’t feel as though there is anything to look forward to, or a reason to keep living for.

I’m sure that anyone who reads this will automatically say that I need to see a therapist, and I probably do based on how the average person sees and lives in the world. However there are always outliers, otherwise how would there be normal?

What will a therapist do for me though? Give me tools to change my thoughts to be more normal? Try to show me that I can live a better life? But what can be better than the one I have? I’ve achieved everything I ever wanted, there are some things that I want that I can’t see achieving, so why bother continuing to pursue them?

I’ve made up my mind, and I’m not sure that anyone can convince me otherwise. As I said, if I died today, I can’t think of anything else I would like to have achieved.

Does that mean I will continue writing here, well if life intends for me to continue existing, well I guess my writing will continue in whatever shape or for that exists.

Not helping myself

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There is so much to see and do in life and I do not have the mental capacity to be able to do any of these things. I am stuck in a rut and while I want to change my life for the better, I do not have the desire to make the changes necessary.

This has become quite apparent in the last few days when it was pointed out that I am not healthy to be around or talk with.

I have been thinking through these thoughts for many months now and I always find myself in the same thinking patterns. I want to improve but do not want to do the work required to help myself.

Now from what I have read, a person can only be helped if they want to help themselves. I want to be helped, but do not want to help myself.

I can read books, I can listen to podcasts, and I can understand some of the tools that will help me get better. I just do not find the answers to move my thinking from just wanting to get better to being able to make the changes necessary to get better.

I want to change, but I do not know how to stick with change if and when I do make changes to my life. Someone will probably tell me that change is hard and requires work from me, but how can I do the hard work if I do not want to put in the effort?

I am sick of feeling this way, yet I don’t want to help myself at the same time. I feel like my life is a failure and the world will be a better place without me.

That will help me, right?

Dry thoughts

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To date, I have published 30 posts here on the blog, and after a few weeks, my writing has dried up. I wish that I had a never ending supply of words and ideas to turn into blog posts or works of fiction.

I am trying not to stress to much about this dry patch of writing, but it is hard not to when those around you are publishing often and regularly.

Maybe I need to find some blog prompts that are more than a word or two. Maybe I need to work with TMI Tuesday and the questions that are posted for them. Prompting me with questions is probably the right way to go.