Musings of a Switch

Unfiltered thoughts from a bisexual switch

mental health

Dry thoughts

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To date, I have published 30 posts here on the blog, and after a few weeks, my writing has dried up. I wish that I had a never ending supply of words and ideas to turn into blog posts or works of fiction.

I am trying not to stress to much about this dry patch of writing, but it is hard not to when those around you are publishing often and regularly.

Maybe I need to find some blog prompts that are more than a word or two. Maybe I need to work with TMI Tuesday and the questions that are posted for them. Prompting me with questions is probably the right way to go.

Internal battles

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Life is a constant internal battle between wanting to improve and wanting to maintain the status quo. It frustrates me that the desire to stay as I am always wins, and also brags when I try to improve myself and make changes for the better which do not stay with me.

Many times I have written about these battles, on every blog I have ever started, both professional and private. I always end up in the same place, a desire to change myself and better myself, but I end up exactly where I am, without having moved my life forward. If anything life actually goes backwards.

So why am I telling you this? Previously I would say for support, but after a recent discussion with someone, I would now say because I am hoping to find someone who will commiserate with me. I doubt someone will agree with me because they know my thoughts are stupid. But it doesn’t stop me hoping.

It is clear that I need to change my thoughts to improve myself and actually make a difference to my life. However, right now why do I want to change when I just want someone to agree with me? I just don’t know.

I’m broken, mentally and physically, I have thoughts of changing my life but also a mind that wants to maintain the status quo. I do not like this constant battle within, but I do not know how to stop it.

I am willing to die if it means this internal battle will end, and it will stop haunting me forever.

Life is shit

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Content Warning: This post includes references to mental illness and body hatred that may be distressing to some readers.

My life right now feels like a complete shitshow. Everything feels like it requires a massive effort to do anything.

I have a history of depression, and it runs in my family. I have sought assistance in the past to address it, and it has helped, but has not been something I have been able to move past in the long term.

I am very stubborn in my convictions and I find that change is very difficult. I suspect this is one reason I relapse towards depression after months of dealing with it.

I have a weird mental process when it comes to getting help for myself. If there is a medical solution to my problem, I will actively seek assistance from a professional. However when it comes to my mental health and weight loss, I want nothing to do with professional assistance.

There is some weird and convoluted mental gymnastics to get medical help for some medical conditions that can be helped with modern medicine, but not for others. I know that help is available for me, but I cannot bring myself to accept the help because I consider it cheating.

So I refuse the help out of stubbornness of not wanting to cheat, but at the same time I do not have the will power to make the required changes myself.

So I find myself stuck in this holding pattern of life, wanting to have change, but not wanting to make the changes required to help myself.

For now, life is shit, and I’m complaining about it on my blog because I can. There is no reason for you to comment on this telling me that “You can change if you want it” and “You just need the right conditions to change” because I have not found either of those in over 15 years.