Musings of a Switch

Unfiltered thoughts from a bisexual switch

depression

Shit show

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Life is kicking my ass at the moment. I feel like everything in the world is going against me at the moment. My mind, my relationships, my children, my career, and life as a whole.

I feel like I have reached that point in life where I do not care if I were to die today or not. I feel apathetic to life. I don’t feel as though there is anything to look forward to, or a reason to keep living for.

I’m sure that anyone who reads this will automatically say that I need to see a therapist, and I probably do based on how the average person sees and lives in the world. However there are always outliers, otherwise how would there be normal?

What will a therapist do for me though? Give me tools to change my thoughts to be more normal? Try to show me that I can live a better life? But what can be better than the one I have? I’ve achieved everything I ever wanted, there are some things that I want that I can’t see achieving, so why bother continuing to pursue them?

I’ve made up my mind, and I’m not sure that anyone can convince me otherwise. As I said, if I died today, I can’t think of anything else I would like to have achieved.

Does that mean I will continue writing here, well if life intends for me to continue existing, well I guess my writing will continue in whatever shape or for that exists.

Not helping myself

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There is so much to see and do in life and I do not have the mental capacity to be able to do any of these things. I am stuck in a rut and while I want to change my life for the better, I do not have the desire to make the changes necessary.

This has become quite apparent in the last few days when it was pointed out that I am not healthy to be around or talk with.

I have been thinking through these thoughts for many months now and I always find myself in the same thinking patterns. I want to improve but do not want to do the work required to help myself.

Now from what I have read, a person can only be helped if they want to help themselves. I want to be helped, but do not want to help myself.

I can read books, I can listen to podcasts, and I can understand some of the tools that will help me get better. I just do not find the answers to move my thinking from just wanting to get better to being able to make the changes necessary to get better.

I want to change, but I do not know how to stick with change if and when I do make changes to my life. Someone will probably tell me that change is hard and requires work from me, but how can I do the hard work if I do not want to put in the effort?

I am sick of feeling this way, yet I don’t want to help myself at the same time. I feel like my life is a failure and the world will be a better place without me.

That will help me, right?

Internal battles

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Life is a constant internal battle between wanting to improve and wanting to maintain the status quo. It frustrates me that the desire to stay as I am always wins, and also brags when I try to improve myself and make changes for the better which do not stay with me.

Many times I have written about these battles, on every blog I have ever started, both professional and private. I always end up in the same place, a desire to change myself and better myself, but I end up exactly where I am, without having moved my life forward. If anything life actually goes backwards.

So why am I telling you this? Previously I would say for support, but after a recent discussion with someone, I would now say because I am hoping to find someone who will commiserate with me. I doubt someone will agree with me because they know my thoughts are stupid. But it doesn’t stop me hoping.

It is clear that I need to change my thoughts to improve myself and actually make a difference to my life. However, right now why do I want to change when I just want someone to agree with me? I just don’t know.

I’m broken, mentally and physically, I have thoughts of changing my life but also a mind that wants to maintain the status quo. I do not like this constant battle within, but I do not know how to stop it.

I am willing to die if it means this internal battle will end, and it will stop haunting me forever.

Life is shit

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Content Warning: This post includes references to mental illness and body hatred that may be distressing to some readers.

My life right now feels like a complete shitshow. Everything feels like it requires a massive effort to do anything.

I have a history of depression, and it runs in my family. I have sought assistance in the past to address it, and it has helped, but has not been something I have been able to move past in the long term.

I am very stubborn in my convictions and I find that change is very difficult. I suspect this is one reason I relapse towards depression after months of dealing with it.

I have a weird mental process when it comes to getting help for myself. If there is a medical solution to my problem, I will actively seek assistance from a professional. However when it comes to my mental health and weight loss, I want nothing to do with professional assistance.

There is some weird and convoluted mental gymnastics to get medical help for some medical conditions that can be helped with modern medicine, but not for others. I know that help is available for me, but I cannot bring myself to accept the help because I consider it cheating.

So I refuse the help out of stubbornness of not wanting to cheat, but at the same time I do not have the will power to make the required changes myself.

So I find myself stuck in this holding pattern of life, wanting to have change, but not wanting to make the changes required to help myself.

For now, life is shit, and I’m complaining about it on my blog because I can. There is no reason for you to comment on this telling me that “You can change if you want it” and “You just need the right conditions to change” because I have not found either of those in over 15 years.