Musings of a Switch

Unfiltered thoughts from a bisexual switch

mental health

Porn thoughts

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I have many a thought about porn. However, right now porn is not having an effect on my body at the moment. I do not get the instant erection I previously would as a teen. I heard that has something to do with age.

My interest in porn has decreased as well. I search through my porn collection, or online videos for 5 to 15 minutes to find something that stirs me enough to build a desire to rub one out.

I have previously shared thoughts about the types of porn I consume and the effect it has on the type of people I desire to be intimate with as part of a poly relationship.

My porn consumption has changed. Some days I look for porn, others I endlessly scroll through pictures on Reddit, and others where I just can’t be f*cked looking at or watching porn. I’m not sure why my desires change and where these feelings are coming from, or what my subconscious is trying to tell me.

So what is my subconscious trying to tell me? I really do not know at the moment.

Is it telling me that I have been watching too much porn and need to take a break? Maybe it is telling me that I need to stop searching for particular physical characteristics? Or does it mean something else altogether? Maybe you can tell me in the comments below.

Or maybe I am just thinking into it too much and that as I am aging, my desires are part of the physiological changes that are happening in my body? Low testosterone? High oestrogen? Something else?

I feel as though I am stuck in no man’s land at the moment when it comes to porn. I do not know whether I am coming or going, am I interested or uninterested? Maybe I am just who I am right now. I just let this moment be as it is and see what happens and where life takes me rather than always wondering what it might look like.

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Top 100 sex blogs

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Last weekend, Molly published her annual Top 100 Sex Blogs for 2022. I did not make the list, I don’t even believe that my blog was nominated for the main list, or even the newcomers list.

Am I disappointed? In a way yes I am, but logically I know that because I wasn’t nominated that I can’t be on the list. Hell, I didn’t even nominate myself (whether it was allowed or not).

I shared some thoughts on the matter over on my Mastodon account. However it has been suggested that I expand on those initial thoughts some more here on the blog. While I have never been on the Top 100 list with any of my blogs, I am slightly concerned that writing about it like this will get me struck off the list permanently if I am nominated in the future.

Time and energy

One reason I don’t think I have been on the list before is having the time and energy to dedicate to learning to write high quality articles and stories consistently.

With two children, Missus Sub and I both working full time, dedicating the time and energy to writing can be a challenge.

Blog longevity

You might think having written 3 or 4 blogs over the space of 15 years, I would have a good understanding of writing for people. However in my day job, I’m writing for a technical audience, and that does not translate well to a casual reader.

So when you have a blog for 18-24 months, and you are only getting 10 to 15 views per day on average, the idea of having a successful blog slowly wanes out of existence. Sure I can comment on other blogs with links to my blog/s, get my thoughts out on social media with links to my blog/s, but again, a lack of time and energy hinders that.

Other reasons

I believe there are other reasons that see me not being added to the Top 100 list. I am not going to share those thoughts because they might be seen as libellous. I do not have the energy to defend my position on social media or blogs.

However I feel that sharing my beliefs will see me further ostracised from the sex blogging community. Links to my blog, or any comments I make will never be published on a sex blog other than my own. So I’m not intending to go down that path.

Where to from here

Even without libel, I feel like this blog post will end my chances for this blog ever making it onto a Molly’s Top 100 Sex Blogs.

Since the list has been published for 2022, hopefully I can move on for the next 10-12 months until the rumblings of the 2023 list come about. Maybe I’ll consider nominating for next years list (although more likely not) because I can’t see myself being added to the “echo chamber”.

Bottom of the food chain

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1 – What is something minor or seemingly insignificant in your life that actually contributes greatly to your happiness?

I feel like some recognition and thanks goes a long way. Yes there are some things that you need to do, but even just a little thanks, even from senior managers goes a long way to feeling appreciated. Yes doing your job doesn’t need thanks to be given, but it goes a long way to the motivation of employees. Happy employees equals more productive employees.

2 – Describe your life in 5 words.

Bottom of the food chain

3 – Have you ever been screwed over? What happened and how did you respond?

There are some days I feel like this happens every day in my life. Yes I might just be a whinger, and it probably happens far less than I think it does.

4 – What did you think was cool when you were young but is not cool now?

So many things. There were many things as a child that I remembered being cool and exciting and wanting to return to as an adult when I had more freedom, but when I go to them now as an adult, they don’t spark the same joy and excitement from all those years ago.

5 – Would you rather stay in or go out on a Friday night?

Generally I’m a home body. I’m an introvert and a quiet night at home, with the TV, movie and popcorn sounds delightful. Snuggling with a lovely partner takes it to the next level.

Bonus: Which word would you use if you could only use one for the rest of your life?

Boring

Shit show

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Life is kicking my ass at the moment. I feel like everything in the world is going against me at the moment. My mind, my relationships, my children, my career, and life as a whole.

I feel like I have reached that point in life where I do not care if I were to die today or not. I feel apathetic to life. I don’t feel as though there is anything to look forward to, or a reason to keep living for.

I’m sure that anyone who reads this will automatically say that I need to see a therapist, and I probably do based on how the average person sees and lives in the world. However there are always outliers, otherwise how would there be normal?

What will a therapist do for me though? Give me tools to change my thoughts to be more normal? Try to show me that I can live a better life? But what can be better than the one I have? I’ve achieved everything I ever wanted, there are some things that I want that I can’t see achieving, so why bother continuing to pursue them?

I’ve made up my mind, and I’m not sure that anyone can convince me otherwise. As I said, if I died today, I can’t think of anything else I would like to have achieved.

Does that mean I will continue writing here, well if life intends for me to continue existing, well I guess my writing will continue in whatever shape or for that exists.

Not helping myself

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There is so much to see and do in life and I do not have the mental capacity to be able to do any of these things. I am stuck in a rut and while I want to change my life for the better, I do not have the desire to make the changes necessary.

This has become quite apparent in the last few days when it was pointed out that I am not healthy to be around or talk with.

I have been thinking through these thoughts for many months now and I always find myself in the same thinking patterns. I want to improve but do not want to do the work required to help myself.

Now from what I have read, a person can only be helped if they want to help themselves. I want to be helped, but do not want to help myself.

I can read books, I can listen to podcasts, and I can understand some of the tools that will help me get better. I just do not find the answers to move my thinking from just wanting to get better to being able to make the changes necessary to get better.

I want to change, but I do not know how to stick with change if and when I do make changes to my life. Someone will probably tell me that change is hard and requires work from me, but how can I do the hard work if I do not want to put in the effort?

I am sick of feeling this way, yet I don’t want to help myself at the same time. I feel like my life is a failure and the world will be a better place without me.

That will help me, right?