Musings of a Switch

Unfiltered thoughts from a bisexual switch

Thoughts

Pregnant porn desires

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I have shared my thoughts and ideas of my relationship with porn. I am going to continue this topic with another post.

I have mentioned that the porn I view has a significant influence over my sexual desires. Right now, I find that the porn I view makes me regret part of my life, but also what happened in the past.

My current porn subscriptions consist of curvy, voluptuous women, pregnant women, and transwomen. The one in particular that I want to talk about, and causing the most regret is pregnant women.

I have a desire to be intimate and very sexual with a heavily pregnant woman. I want to tease and please her, I want to touch and caress her curves. I want to pleasure her, and satisfy her horny urges.

When Missus Sub was pregnant with out children, I was not in a good headspace. I was severely depressed, and very uninterested sex except for the occasional uptick in desire. They were few and far between, and was more about my orgasmic release than the needs and desires of Missus Sub. Sex at that time was very transactional.

So I missed the opportunity to fulfil my desires to be with a pregnant woman that was right on my doorstep so to speak. I am not sure that I will ever have the opportunity to fulfil my sexual desires.

This is where I struggle. Do I continue feeding my obsession with pregnant porn, feeding the “beast” so to speak, causing me to continue having feelings of regret? Or do I avoid pregnancy porn in the hope that my desires go away?

I am aware that I can search for a poly or poly-friendly woman who is pregnant, with the hopes of forming a relationship with her? However to date, finding poly or poly-friendly women has not been successful.

So I find myself in a quandary. Do I stop viewing porn my mind desires? Or do I continue viewing it while living with regrets and disappointment? That is the question.

Porn thoughts

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I have many a thought about porn. However, right now porn is not having an effect on my body at the moment. I do not get the instant erection I previously would as a teen. I heard that has something to do with age.

My interest in porn has decreased as well. I search through my porn collection, or online videos for 5 to 15 minutes to find something that stirs me enough to build a desire to rub one out.

I have previously shared thoughts about the types of porn I consume and the effect it has on the type of people I desire to be intimate with as part of a poly relationship.

My porn consumption has changed. Some days I look for porn, others I endlessly scroll through pictures on Reddit, and others where I just can’t be f*cked looking at or watching porn. I’m not sure why my desires change and where these feelings are coming from, or what my subconscious is trying to tell me.

So what is my subconscious trying to tell me? I really do not know at the moment.

Is it telling me that I have been watching too much porn and need to take a break? Maybe it is telling me that I need to stop searching for particular physical characteristics? Or does it mean something else altogether? Maybe you can tell me in the comments below.

Or maybe I am just thinking into it too much and that as I am aging, my desires are part of the physiological changes that are happening in my body? Low testosterone? High oestrogen? Something else?

I feel as though I am stuck in no man’s land at the moment when it comes to porn. I do not know whether I am coming or going, am I interested or uninterested? Maybe I am just who I am right now. I just let this moment be as it is and see what happens and where life takes me rather than always wondering what it might look like.

I have disabled comments on this post due to the unexpected amount of unsolicited comment spam. If you wish to provide feedback, please contact me.

I am done

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Some things have transpired the last 24 to 36 hours that have rocked my world, and not in a good way.

I stumbled across something that a former polyamorous partner has written. Basically she wrote an account of the five years that we dated, as well as some even after the fact. The events that happened after the fact are not really the bits that have caused my world to be rocked.

It is what happened in the month before the relationship ended.

I don’t remember a discussion about not being exclusive any more, maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t . I don’t really remember, but looking back I do remember there being another couple in the background, as well as Missus Sub’s partner. I remember at the time that I was upset that again I was the person without anyone of my own outside the group of four.

What I read has brought those feelings up again and has caused me to question whether I really want to be polyamorous any more. The fact that I can’t seem to find anyone to have a polyamorous relationship in person is really frustrating. The fact that I have been reminded that I didn’t find anyone, and that I was cast aside like old mutton makes me question whether I am done with polyamory.

I seem to only be able to find people that are long distance, be it on the other side of the world, or just a couple of hours drive from where I live. I seem to attract damaged people, or ladies who are in a relationship with someone and want some level of discretion.

I do not know if I have the emotional ready to deal with these type of people anymore. I feel like it might be time to hang up the idea of finding a polyamorous partner going forward. It seems my luck is to find people trying to escape their lives as they are, and live out some fantasy rather than an ethical relationship.

So I feel that I am done for now, and I need to put this chapter of my life behind me.

Porn relationships

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Porn has been a part of my life since my middle teenage years. Has it always been a healthy relationship? Probably not. However I don’t think I have ever been addicted to porn in the sense that it interferes with my life.

One thing that happens when I look at porn, is that it causes me to hyper focus on one particular physical aspect of the human body, male or female. This causes my desires to be for a person with those physical characteristics.

For instance, the current porn over on Reddit I am subscribed to are large labia pics. Of course the same few females come up time and again in my Reddit feed, but it still causes me to have an obsession with wanting to meet and play with a woman who has those characteristics.

Given how few people have those characteristics, my mind still thinks that I deserve the opportunity to play with a woman who has that anatomy. Logically I know that my chances of meeting someone who has those characteristics, AND would be willing to join me in the bedroom are slim, I still have this idea they are more prevalent than reality.

Yes my mind seems to take a slim chance, and inflate it to something that is the regular and norm when it comes to the wider population. Of course the subreddits are a concentration of these particular physical characteristics. So one thing is that I cycle through a number of different characteristics.

Some of the characteristics that are part of my porn Reddit history in the past include:

  • large labia
  • dark skinned women
  • big beautiful women
  • transfems
  • large nipples
  • adult breastfeeding

That isn’t even the full list, just some of the most recent ones that I can remember.

So while porn has not had an addictive effect on me, it does shape the way that I see people when it comes to physical characteristics.

Being one person, my experience is my experience, however I suspect that I am not the only one that has those experiences. I’m sure that many have very similar ones.

So what has your porn relationships been like? Have you had similar experiences? Even been addicted?

The early days

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If you were to “recreate” the early days of your favorite sexy relationship, what would they look like? Would you change anything?

Missus Sub and I have been together for more than half our lives, twenty years this year. So we have had lots of sexy relationship time.

One thing about meeting each other in our late teens, is that we were quite naïve back then. We were also each others ‘firsts’.

So while they were sexy times, we had lots of fun exploring each other with each other, but there were also many, many awkward situations.

So while I don’t want to change anything, I also want to change how some things went. Being so young, I wish we were more adventurous occasionally. Things were very vanilla back then.