Musings of a Switch

Unfiltered thoughts from a bisexual switch

non-monogamy

Pregnant porn desires

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I have shared my thoughts and ideas of my relationship with porn. I am going to continue this topic with another post.

I have mentioned that the porn I view has a significant influence over my sexual desires. Right now, I find that the porn I view makes me regret part of my life, but also what happened in the past.

My current porn subscriptions consist of curvy, voluptuous women, pregnant women, and transwomen. The one in particular that I want to talk about, and causing the most regret is pregnant women.

I have a desire to be intimate and very sexual with a heavily pregnant woman. I want to tease and please her, I want to touch and caress her curves. I want to pleasure her, and satisfy her horny urges.

When Missus Sub was pregnant with out children, I was not in a good headspace. I was severely depressed, and very uninterested sex except for the occasional uptick in desire. They were few and far between, and was more about my orgasmic release than the needs and desires of Missus Sub. Sex at that time was very transactional.

So I missed the opportunity to fulfil my desires to be with a pregnant woman that was right on my doorstep so to speak. I am not sure that I will ever have the opportunity to fulfil my sexual desires.

This is where I struggle. Do I continue feeding my obsession with pregnant porn, feeding the “beast” so to speak, causing me to continue having feelings of regret? Or do I avoid pregnancy porn in the hope that my desires go away?

I am aware that I can search for a poly or poly-friendly woman who is pregnant, with the hopes of forming a relationship with her? However to date, finding poly or poly-friendly women has not been successful.

So I find myself in a quandary. Do I stop viewing porn my mind desires? Or do I continue viewing it while living with regrets and disappointment? That is the question.

I am done

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Some things have transpired the last 24 to 36 hours that have rocked my world, and not in a good way.

I stumbled across something that a former polyamorous partner has written. Basically she wrote an account of the five years that we dated, as well as some even after the fact. The events that happened after the fact are not really the bits that have caused my world to be rocked.

It is what happened in the month before the relationship ended.

I don’t remember a discussion about not being exclusive any more, maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t . I don’t really remember, but looking back I do remember there being another couple in the background, as well as Missus Sub’s partner. I remember at the time that I was upset that again I was the person without anyone of my own outside the group of four.

What I read has brought those feelings up again and has caused me to question whether I really want to be polyamorous any more. The fact that I can’t seem to find anyone to have a polyamorous relationship in person is really frustrating. The fact that I have been reminded that I didn’t find anyone, and that I was cast aside like old mutton makes me question whether I am done with polyamory.

I seem to only be able to find people that are long distance, be it on the other side of the world, or just a couple of hours drive from where I live. I seem to attract damaged people, or ladies who are in a relationship with someone and want some level of discretion.

I do not know if I have the emotional ready to deal with these type of people anymore. I feel like it might be time to hang up the idea of finding a polyamorous partner going forward. It seems my luck is to find people trying to escape their lives as they are, and live out some fantasy rather than an ethical relationship.

So I feel that I am done for now, and I need to put this chapter of my life behind me.

An upcoming adventure

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It has been some time since I have written anything here on the blog about any sexual adventures or feelings. Mainly because not many adventures have been had.

I took a break from seeking any additional polyamorous partners for a few months. I find it exhausting to continue looking without having much luck.

However, it seems that things may be turning around in the near future, particularly when it comes to some bedroom action.

Cartoon image of a couple on a bed, the woman pegging the man on his back
Pegging by Girl on the Net

Well, I have met someone online, we are very much into each other and looking for something similar. Unfortunately they live in a different state to me, and only get to my home town every 6 to 8 weeks.

We have high expectations at the moment that we will meet in the coming weeks. At the moment it will be dinner or drinks & hopefully some fooling around in the bedroom. As is the case, online fun & thoughts sometimes don’t pan out the way you hope in person.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much. I have a habit of getting my hopes up, and then very disappointed when it does not work out as expected.

I have to catch myself before I let it go too far. I can almost feel it rising too far at the moment even though it is still a few weeks away & their travel plans are not locked in yet.

So those are my current sexual adventures for the moment, I hope they all work out for our sake. I will report back once more details are known.

Moving forward

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Life for the last six or so months has been a series of ups and downs. There were many high points, and many low points that followed the highs. I met new people online, a few of those I met in person, and some of those have decided to go their own way.

What I have learned from these six months is that what I am looking for in a person probably does not exist. The idea of finding a person who is:

  • looking for in person DDlg dynamic
  • open to exploring with a relatively inexperienced Daddy
  • polyamorous
  • flexible around life situations

Trying to find the quadrella within the Sydney basin seems relatively difficult. Six months of exploring has not found someone who is willing to go the distance beyond talking online.

So where to now?

It seem that the person I am looking for is a unicorn, I think I need to accept one of three things:

  1. I become more flexible in the criteria I am looking for
  2. I stop looking for the unicorn
  3. I find a new kink to explore with poly people

I don’t feel my criteria can be any more flexible without damaging my existing family. I would essentially need to have my own play space that I have access to 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and that basically means not having a family. Alternatively I stop looking for the unicorn.

Given one of them is far easier to achieve than the other, I think I really need to pick the option where I stop looking. I cannot continue looking for a needle in a haystack, especially if this needle does not appear to exist.

So from today, this switch will stop looking for the unicorn, and start learning to accept what I have been given. If the opportunity arises I might explore it, however I’m not too sure that it will arrive.

I think it might be time to farewell this chapter of Daddy Dom and put it behind me, confining it to the history of this blog. Maybe a new chapter will open in the future, but for now I think this chapter is closed.

BDSM Test

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Since it is a new year, I have decided to give the BDSM Test another crack for 2023. I want to see how much I have evolved over time.

Looking at the results quickly, being a switch still remains number 1 on my list. There have been some slight movements up and down the list, but I think overall the list is relatively steady.

I definitely agree with the switch rating, as I swing both ways. I’ll come back in a few months and see what happens.

BDSM ARCHETYPERATING
Switch100%
Non-monogamist90%
Brat90%
Experimentalist86%
Masochist85%
Daddy/Mommy85%
Dominant79%
Sadist76%
Submissive76%
Brat tamer74%
Ageplayer73%
Boy/girl73%
Rigger68%
Voyeur61%
Vanilla53%
Primal (Hunter)41%
Primal (Prey)34%
Master/Mistress31%
Rope bunny31%
Owner23%
Degrader14%
Exhibitionist11%
Slave9%
Pet3%
Degradee3%

Here’s to the next time I do the test and see how I have evolved further.