Life

The blues

25.11.2022 by William

I have alluded to having a non-monogamous partner in the past independent of my marriage to Missus Sub. I have also sworn to myself previously that after a non-monogamous relationship break up, that I would not go looking to enter into another one.

So I would like to share with those who may be interested, that I find myself in this post-relationship situation once again. Yes, I’ve entered the post-relationship blues again, telling myself that I do not want to go looking for another relationship to enter. BUT, I also find that I want to keep searching for a non-monogamous relationship.

I have a dark habit of setting myself some basic ground rules, and then turning against my rules when the situation I want to avoid comes and greets me. I just can’t stay away from the search.

What it is about the search, I don’t know? Maybe it is part of my identity, maybe I want to be a different person to who I feel that I am at the moment. I would like to know, but I do not know how to tease it out of my subconscious.

I try and write consistently in my journal, but they seem to be more rants than constructive conversations with myself. I’m considering mixing up how I journal to see if there are patterns in my thoughts & rants.

So I think I am now past the relationship blues, for the most part. There are still times I wish she would have replied and given me answer, or at least said goodbye, but for the most part I have accepted that it clearly wasn’t meant to be. There is no point dwelling on what could have been, what’s done is done.

Do while I may have had the post-relationship blues, I think they are mostly gone now, but that doesn’t stop them returning. I just need to acknowledge them and move on to new things, and hopefully stick with my convictions of the past, or re-evaluating them.

Horn levels

24.08.2022 by William

The body and mind is a weird beast.

Unfortunately I managed to catch COVID from Missus Sub and/or Mr 4 on day 7 of their isolation period. So I’m now in isolation myself, but I have this strong urge to be sexual.

The mind is strange. For the last couple of weeks, the desire to be sexual, with Missus Sub or even just some self loving, have been low on the life agenda. But now that I can’t be intimate with anyone, the horniness has come roaring back.

Why that is the case, I do not know. However I suspect it is related to placing restrictions on myself. The freedom to be intimate with someone has been taken away because of the need to isolate.

I suspect it is because I do not have the choice to do as I please, that my body and mind want to do all the things I cannot do.

So what will I do about these new found horn levels? Well that is dependent on how my body feels.

The body is lacking in energy at the moment, but I find myself continually touching myself and my piercing. I want to stroke myself into orgasmic bliss. I have a desire to feast on the gorgeous pussy of Missus Sub. However I know that my body will limit my ability to go the distance of finishing the experience properly.

So for the next week or so, we shall see whether the horn levels remain, and whether I have the energy to do something about them.

Gauging up

28.07.2022 by William

Since I received my Prince Albert piercing, I have been wanting to increase the gauge of the ring that hangs from the end of my penis. I prefer the look of a slightly chunky ring, but not overly chunky as some Prince Albert owners have.

Where I was

I saw Mike from Infinity Piercing back in April to get my initial Prince Albert piercing. He inserted a 12G captive bead ring with a hoop diameter of 19mm. This is the minimum gauge that should be used for a Prince Albert piercing.

Where I am

As of this past weekend, I visited Mike again. The only suitable jewellery they had is a 10G horse shoe barbell with a hoop diameter of 13mm.

I could feel the stretch of the larger gauge. It was not uncomfortable, but you certainly know that it is stretching the hole.

While the 13mm hoop diameter is much smaller than the 19mm hoop diameter of the initial captive bead ring, it still works with my anatomy and where the piercing was placed in relation to my urethra opening. I do prefer the look of a larger hoop diameter ring.

Where I’m going

Right now, my ultimate goal is to eventually get to a 4G ring or horse shoe barbell. That is still a long way off as there is a minimum 3 months between stepping up to the next gauge jewellery.

The progress is:

12G (was)
10G (current)
8G (step 1)
6G (step 2)
4G (goal)

There is at least 9 months until I reach 4G unless I have problems with any of the stretches. When I reach a 4G ring or barbell, I may decide to go even further, who knows.

How will I get there

I have placed an order for 3 captive bead rings, a 10G, 8G and a 6G. Each ring has a diameter of 19mm, the same as my initial piercing. I will work my way through the rings, spending approximately 3 months at each gauge before moving to the next size up.

One thing I had not thought about is the method for putting in a captive bead ring. I’m starting to wonder if I should have ordered the horse shoe barbells instead of rings. That may be a future purchase.

Day 0 | Day 1 | Day 2 & 3 | Four Weeks | Three months

Life is shit

21.07.2022 by William

Content Warning: This post includes references to mental illness and body hatred that may be distressing to some readers.

My life right now feels like a complete shitshow. Everything feels like it requires a massive effort to do anything.

I have a history of depression, and it runs in my family. I have sought assistance in the past to address it, and it has helped, but has not been something I have been able to move past in the long term.

I am very stubborn in my convictions and I find that change is very difficult. I suspect this is one reason I relapse towards depression after months of dealing with it.

I have a weird mental process when it comes to getting help for myself. If there is a medical solution to my problem, I will actively seek assistance from a professional. However when it comes to my mental health and weight loss, I want nothing to do with professional assistance.

There is some weird and convoluted mental gymnastics to get medical help for some medical conditions that can be helped with modern medicine, but not for others. I know that help is available for me, but I cannot bring myself to accept the help because I consider it cheating.

So I refuse the help out of stubbornness of not wanting to cheat, but at the same time I do not have the will power to make the required changes myself.

So I find myself stuck in this holding pattern of life, wanting to have change, but not wanting to make the changes required to help myself.

For now, life is shit, and I’m complaining about it on my blog because I can. There is no reason for you to comment on this telling me that “You can change if you want it” and “You just need the right conditions to change” because I have not found either of those in over 15 years.

Opening statements

04.04.2022 by William

I have lost track of how m any times I have considered re-starting a blog of some form. For the last few years I have chickened out of writing in digital format on a blog, and have opted for a hand written journal. Hopefully this becomes more than a handful of posts.

Having used an old school paper journal for many years, those paper journals have been mainly dedicated to the vanilla side of life, problems with work, life and family. I have kept sex and kink locked away mentally and lost the the ability to write and share my thoughts about how they affected me. I have been thinking about how to incorporate them given my history has of journaling has been vanilla.

I’m not sure that I will be able to incorporate my sex and kink in my journal, so why not write about theme here on a public blog. I’m sure that there will be some posts that come with a password for those I know personally and want to share with. Just as I’m sure there will be other posts that will be for my eyes only. But I feel I need to get these words down and out and onto some form of paper, even if they are just digital 1s and 0s of computer code.