Musings of a Switch

Unfiltered thoughts from a bisexual switch

Thoughts

Internal battles

by

Life is a constant internal battle between wanting to improve and wanting to maintain the status quo. It frustrates me that the desire to stay as I am always wins, and also brags when I try to improve myself and make changes for the better which do not stay with me.

Many times I have written about these battles, on every blog I have ever started, both professional and private. I always end up in the same place, a desire to change myself and better myself, but I end up exactly where I am, without having moved my life forward. If anything life actually goes backwards.

So why am I telling you this? Previously I would say for support, but after a recent discussion with someone, I would now say because I am hoping to find someone who will commiserate with me. I doubt someone will agree with me because they know my thoughts are stupid. But it doesn’t stop me hoping.

It is clear that I need to change my thoughts to improve myself and actually make a difference to my life. However, right now why do I want to change when I just want someone to agree with me? I just don’t know.

I’m broken, mentally and physically, I have thoughts of changing my life but also a mind that wants to maintain the status quo. I do not like this constant battle within, but I do not know how to stop it.

I am willing to die if it means this internal battle will end, and it will stop haunting me forever.

Are my thoughts valid?

by

I’m not sure how to write down my current thoughts. I feel that what turns me on at the moment could be seen as not being body-positive.

If you are offended by my thoughts, I honestly mean no disrespect. I am trying to learn & explore my desires while being body-positive. Please help me learn where I am wrong.

So what are my feelings?

I have lots of feelings about many things, sexual & non-sexual. Right now there are a few things on my mind leading to my current questionable feelings.

I would like play sexually with people who have some body characteristics that are turning me on at the moment. Any play I would participate in would be consensual as part of an ethically non-monogamous relationship.

  • A person of colour (POC) that is of African or Caribbean descent;
  • A person who has lost a lot of weight and has excess skin;
  • Trans female who has had top surgery & has feminine facial/body structure.

In my mind, wanting to be with people who have these body characteristics, feels as though I am fetishising a human being. I feel bad for having these thoughts. I would treat them as human but in my mind I am objectifying them.

If given the opportunity to date & sexually play with people who have these characteristics, I would treat them as humans with the utmost respect.

How does it make me feel?

Well as the thoughts flow through my mind, and seeing these types of bodies in Reddit porn, I get turned on and dream about them happening. I might turn these thoughts into a story I may share one day.

However, I find that I enjoy the thoughts initially, but then I correct myself into thinking these thoughts are not the right way to think. I then mentally punish myself for having these types of thoughts.

Although at the same time, I feel bad because I feel as though I am fetishising body characteristics.

Will this happen?

Whether I will get to experience these desires is yet to be seen, and they may never be realised.

I like to think that I will get to meet these types of people at some stage, but I am also not hopeful because I do not have the personality to go out & meet these people because of my introvert nature.

What will I do about it?

That is why I am here. I am wanting to learn whether my feelings about being with a person with certain characteristics is a valid thought process and whether I am fetishising a person by having these thoughts. Or I am barking up the wrong tree in my thoughts?

So I would appreciate if you could share your thoughts about what I have written to help me understand where I may or may not being going wrong when it comes to body-positivity about sexualising people with particular body characteristics.

Please leave a comment below, or use my contact page if you would rather your thoughts be kept private.

Three months

by

I have not written about my Prince Albert piercing for two months now. There has not been much to write about as it has been mostly uneventful.

Three months after getting the piercing, I am certain that the piercing is now healed & I am now wanting to explore increasing the piercing gauge. Online research I have done has conflicting information about the duration to be spent at each gauge.

I have read that some pierced guys are able to gauge up every 6 to 8 weeks. Others have suggested waiting 6 months between gauge changes. What I find interesting is that these differences are not just from people’s experiences, but also coming from experienced piercers.

Personally I have no experience in gauging up, however I am looking to gauge up in the future. How large I am yet to decide, but for now a 4G ring is a reasonable target.

However between the 12G that I have now, and the 4G that I would like to reach, there are 4 gauge steps. Based on 6 months between changes, that will be 2 yrs away at the earliest. If I go with 3 months, it is 12 months away.

I think I am ready to gauge up now. Do I attempt to do it myself? Or do I go see the piercer? Is 3 months enough, or do I wait the 6?

I think it may be time to talk with Mike again. Ask him for his advice and find out whether we can gauge up after 3 months, and whether he has the right sized jewellery in stock for this weekend, maybe.

Naked – Question 15

by

How do you feel about being naked?

Being naked is the most uncomfortable position I can find myself in. I’ve previously written about self voyeurism as part of Kink of the Week, and I shared my thoughts about nudity in front of a mirror there.

I’m personally repulsed by my body as it is, especially when naked. I’m not sure that I will ever be comfortable with my naked body. Even with the lights off, I struggle because of a number of factors.

These are the things that contribute to my lack of confidence about nudity:

  • my round body shape;
  • lack of endowment; and
  • a massive lack of self confidence.

I’m not sure it is something that I will ever be able to overcome. I know that many people have overcome their own demons from their past, but I cannot mentally see me accepting my body as it is, or even a different version of my body.

There are little things that I do like:

Unfortunately these little things that I do like don’t over power the negatives about my nakedness. I wish they did, but they don’t.

Overall, I am not a fan of being naked.

Masturbation – Question 24

by

Today’s post is brought to you from Brigit Delaney‘s Dirty Questions.

How often do you masturbate and what works best for you?

Masturbation is an interesting topic to write about. I haven’t written about it here on the blog, and I d on’ recall writing about it on previous blogs I have attempted to maintain.

Masturbation isn’t something that I do on a regular basis. I think I would be lucky if I masturbated once per week. Occasionally the mood might call for two or three times throughout the week, but they are very rare occasions, just like the blue moons (maybe the blue moon is my blue balls needing some additional release).

Masturbation is not high on my list of bodily needs. Even sex does not come in high on my needs. I have a low testosterone and libido, and certainly does not match up to the average male.

Most of the time, when I am in the mood for a quick masturbation session, I usually rub out an orgasm in the shower when I get a few minutes of solitude. My quick session involves a finger to the anus to stimulate the erection, before releasing a much reduced cum load due to my vasectomy. That generally satisfies me most weeks if the need arises.

On rare occasions when I feel the need for something more, then I go down the path of some pain mixed with pleasure. My current go to for pain stimulation is my recent purchase of suction cups. These suction cups make quick work of getting the blood flowing in just the right places. Once the pain has been experienced, and the nipples pulled tight, a quick rub and tug gets the job done.

On the exceptionally rare cases, I do like to take my time with the suction cups, making sure I spend some quality time at full attention. These are the times when masturbation is about teasing my cock, keeping me on the edge of an orgasm (or two), before making a warm sticky mess of cum.